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Mar. 10th, 2020

Dear Reader,

This is an RP journal, currently in use at communiquills, and not looking for an RPG. Following are the letters written by Remus Lupin during his years at Hogwarts. Visit communiquills to find similar letters by other HP characters.
 
 
20 Random Things About Remus J. LupinCollapse )


Five Times Someone Remus Loved Did Something He HatedCollapse )

Jul. 15th, 2010

LJ: DO NOT DELETE!

This is a note to hopefully help LJ to realize this journal is awesome and should not be deleted. Thanks!

Mar. 10th, 2010

In Which Remus Provides Links...

For ease of following particular threads of conversation and relationships, Remus has been kind enough to gather his links together. Some links may be to the letters of other Hogwarts students.

Remus & Sirius, OTPCollapse )
Remus & FriendsCollapse )
Remus & EnemiesCollapse )
Remus & His TeachersCollapse )
Remus & His StudentsCollapse )

Always a work in progress...

Mar. 7th, 2007

A Stream of Consciousness

I feel as though I have lost him. Which is silly, because I obviously have. He is gone and it will be a long time until I see him again. But I am afraid that when that time comes, he will not be waiting. He has already moved on, found somone new to make the endless time of eternity pass by.

I consider that perhaps it is my own fault. After all, I did drop my protestations eventually, I accepted a gesture of closeness and comfort from another. I do not love her, though, not how she deserves to be loved. Not how I love him.

Nothing compares to how I have loved him.

The thought of our reunion got me through the worst of my mourning. (That and dangerous tasks that I accepted willingly on the chance that I'd be killed on duty and join him — them, but mostly him — for the rest of our afterlives.

Was it foolish of me? To expect that a man like him could truly sit still and wait for me?

I feel like a fool, certainly. And what's worse is that I know that I will, when my time comes, just sit back and watch him as he shares his heart, his soul, with another. I won't force myself back into his world. He can take his new love and our once-mutual friends and I will sit and grieve anew and be the emotional martyr I've always been destined to be.

I don't take dangerous missions now. It causes a few problems, because I have skills sorely needed by our weakened side, but everyone seems to take it in stride. Maybe they think I'm protecting myself for her sake. That's fine — and on some level it's true. I don't want to go before I can tel her the truth (too gay), because I don't want her mourning something that isn't real. (Though I can't imagine it will be too big of a surprise to her. Surely her parents have expressed some surprise in our arrangement?)

Mostly, though, I want to spare myself the heartache for as long as possible. I'm a disgrace to my house, but that house has too many memories anyway. Too many nights curled up in front of the fireplace, easily sliding apart when someone else came in the room. I find myself wishing we'd been more bold, less cautious back then. Though, I say "we" but it was really my urging that kept us quiet. He was already the rebel — one more reason for people to talk about him wouldn't have hurt. But I grew up listening to relations speak in villanous tones about people like me, and I grew up learning to keep a great & terrible secret. It's been only natural to keep this quiet as well.

But maybe that was the downfall, of us, of everything. If I hadn't been as secretive, maybe things wouldn't have gone the way that they did. Maybe he would have trusted me. Maybe everything wouldn't have fallen apart, maybe he would still be here today, we'd still be together.

Or maybe...

 


 

Maybe he would have left me anyway. Maybe I was never more than a teenage fling, another way to rebel against everything(one) that he hated. Oh I don't doubt that he loved me, in his way. But we were both young, and it's more than likely that his love was only friendship, with a dash of relief that we had something important in comon. (I have never doubted his enjoyment of sex with a man, with me.)

That would all be fine. More than fine, really. We were lucky to have someone so trustworthy at that age. I just wish I hadn't mucked things up by never getting over him. Not for not hating him, but simply for never letting my love cool. For jumping back into things as soon as we were both ready.

I never thought of him as an "ex". I think that's what's making it so hard. We never ended, either time. So he's still very much MINE, and the thought of him with anyone else is heartbreaking.

I take it out on myself at the moon. The people who call me their friend worry for me. I have never scarred, but I now take much longer to recover; it's often nearly the last quarter before I am quite myself again. (I also find that, when I have wolfsbane to temper me, I sleep in front of the door to make sure it stays shut. The wolf doesn't know that his big, black packmate is never coming back — just that he doesn't want him around anymore.) I let the wolf express my jealousy, and in return I am able to have marginally satisfying sex with a woman who loves me for all the wrong reason but at least has an adventurous spirit and isn't offended or bothered when I ask her to use the strap-on on me or when I need something tighter and rougher than her cunt for one night. I try to keep those requests, especially the latter, to the week before the moon, just to give both of us another explanation that doesn't point to the fact that I find breasts cumbersome udders, generally speaking.

Mostly I'm just grateful she hasn't asked for children.

Yet.

Days before the moon I want to run. I want to leave her behind with a brief note of apology ("Sorry, just too gay, off to get lost in some big city to find a better replacement for the man who was never really my ex. Love to your mum and dad.")

I imagine myself somewhere where no one knows me at all. I've often fancied living in the States for awhile, though there's just too much country to pick one place to settle, not right away. I wouldn't mind the continent, but the governments there are very harsh about letting in Dark Creatures.

When the moon has just passed, as it is now, I am open and sore, both physically and emotionally. But this too shall pass. I will find joys in life once more.

I have to, since the joy I expected in the afterlife has been taken from me. Right now is all I have.

Jun. 3rd, 1978

Ciao Gianni,

Well, I went and did it. Told Mum and Dad about Sirius and me. I would've preferred to keep it quiet longer (forever, really) but Sirius asked me to move in with him after we leave school in a couple weeks, so I had to tell them something. And the truth, while potentially problematic now, is of course better in the long run.

They...well, they took it rather well, really. Mum wrote back to say she's surprised, but not really. Heh. Dad, apparently, isn't taking it quite as well, but I've been assured that he still loves me and wants me to be happy. I can't ask for more than that, can I?

They certainly are better than Sirius's family. Well, at least better than I assume they'd take it if Sirius ever spoke to them. He hasn't been in contact with his parents for nearly two years now, I think. His brother is a year below us in school (titchy little brat if ever there was one), but that's as close as he gets to his blood relatives. He does write often to one of his cousins, and she's a lovely woman who cares greatly for him and is very supportive. Her daughter is sweet and rather has an adorable little-girl crush on him. Oh to be five-years-old again...

I admit, I am a bit conce
I am going to try and convince Sirius to take a holiday to Italy later this year. I think we both need to get away from here. I don't know how much you listen to international news, but we've been having a worse and worse time with this Voldemort character. His following has really grown, and not more than a few days can pass now without hearing of another murdered family. It's horrible. I know we cannot ignore him, but I would love to just run away with Sirius and escape it all. Get a little cottage by the shore or something, live quiet lives of sleeping and reading and eating and making love every night until we die of old age.

But I don't think he'd even take the holiday. He's completely set on taking this "dark lord" down...and I am, too, of course, but...I'm just so scared of losing him. Sirius is, without question, the best thing I've ever had in my life. Even before we got together, just as a friend. The thought of losing him...shit. I can't. I just can't.

Hm. This was just supposed to be a quick letter, and now look at me. I think I need to track him down and wrestle him into some girly cuddling. It's nearly pathetic how badly I need him, isn't it?

With love,
Pathetically yours,

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May. 28th, 1978

Dear Mum and Dad,

I've got some news which may or may not come as a surprise to you. I want you to know right up front that I'm not asking permission for from you — this is what's going to happen. I've known for weeks, but haven't plucked up the courage found the time to tell you until now.

I know we'd always planned that I would live with you at home until I found a steady job, either in the wizard or Muggle world, so I wouldn't have to dip into the savings until I had a source of income. Well, I don't have a job...but I still won't be living at home after I leave school in June.

I am, actually, going to move in with Sirius in his flat.

Well. Er, more like our flat. And not in a flatmatey way. Rather, it'll be our flat and our furniture and our food and our single bedroom with wizard-size bed (provided he does chuck the witch-size one curently there like he promised). Does that...er, does that make sense?

Do you hate me? Do you mind terribly? I'm not ruining anything, am I?


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May. 14th, 1978

Hello Aaron,

My mum sent along your letter to me here at school, so I'm sorry for the delay in getting back to you. First, congratulations! I heard about the engagement a few months ago, but never got around to sending you a note. Last year of school, you know how mad things get, yeah?

As for your question, of course I'll be an usher! You're sure there's no one else you or your fiancée is closer to who can do it? I don't want anyone feeling slighted at all. But as long as you're sure it's fine, I'll be happy to help get you enslaved married.

I'll have to get back to you about whether or not I'm bringing a date. It's a...well, it's tricky. Imagine how your father would feel about having a couple of queers dancing at his son's wedding! But I'll let you know one way or the other as soon as I can, hopefully within the next week.

Say hello to your family for me!


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May. 4th, 1978

Dad —

Just wanted to let you know that that thing we talked about back over Easter? You were right. It's all pretty much rubbish. I'm not half surprised.

Any word from your friends about potential job openings? I mean, no rush, I know I've got two months left before school's even over, and even then you and Mum aren't going to kick me out right away, but you know me and planning, I get it from you.

Time for another study session. I bloody hate NEWTs. Glad I didn't take the Muggle Studies one, though, thanks for that advice.

Love,

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Apr. 2nd, 1978

Dear Mr. Lockhart,

My name is Remus Lupin, and I am a seventh year student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. As we are now in of the final term of our education, the professors have asked us to begin correspondence with those in our desired field of employ once we've received our NEWTs.

From the very beginning of my school career I have been fascinated by Defence Against the Dark Arts. My NEWT-level class has, also, been following your rising career as a brilliant wizard crusading to protect wizardkind mo from the most deadly and dangerous creatures an in the world. We read Travel With Trolls and Break With A Banshee as soon as they were published!

Your bi-weekly newsletter recently mentioned that your next book will focus on werewolves. I have a keen interest in those ho creatres in particular, and so I find myself writing to you today to ask if you might be in need of a research assistant for this exciting project.

If you've any need for a reference, you may owl Professors Minerva McGonagall or Benjy Fenwick here at Hogwarts. Headmaster Albus Dumbledore has also kindly offered to speak on my behalf.

I hope to hear back from you soon, and I wish you luck with your upcoming projects.

Sincerely,

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Mar. 30th, 1978

E,

When did you figure it out?



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